gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
