theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
