I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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