are you still at the devil's house?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
