Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
