if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
