so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
