just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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