Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
