on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
