Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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