Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
