I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
