i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
