Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
