my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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