they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
