tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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