I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
