my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
