Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
