I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
