Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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