My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
