dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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