I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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