Please don't use social media to get back at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
