so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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