I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
