I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
