If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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