I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
