I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
