I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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