OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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