i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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