There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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