Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
