I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
