I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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