Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
