How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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