Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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