i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
3 2 1 whiskey
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
