She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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