Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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