Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Randomize
