He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
