God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i permit you to call me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
