He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
