Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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