so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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